Which in turn inspired me to do that “What’s in your handbag” photo blog again. The intention was to show off the purse, but once I started I realized that I like my current bag too, so I decided to include that in the pic and show of the Depp-a-licious bag in it’s own glory. Anyway, without further delay, the mess that is my handbag.

1. My fabulous tweed wallet. It currently has a black heart with wings on the cover, but it used to have two hot pink skulls facing each other in the middle of said heart. They were applique and peeled off
2. My star handbag with buttons that Amberly sent not too long ago. One says “Got Goth” and the other “Monkey Business”.
3. A handful of change, I would tell you the exact amount but I tossed them in ajar already.
4. My camera bag which usually houses my camera, along with memory card adapter.
5. My makeup bag with a black and white fifties type chic on the front that says “Wish You Were Here”, nail file and tweezers in their little protective case.
6. Bath and Body Works “Butterfly Flower” body lotion which smells almost exactly like Honeysuckle <3
7. Various pens I thrown in my purse at various times.
8. A bottle of acetaminophen for my on-again off-again toothache. (That’s Tylenol to the average folk)
9. Hairbrush, hairclip, clips, bobbypins, scunci’s, and any other weird hair controllers.
10. My Samsung Gravity cellphone, never leave home without it!
11. My iTouch, another MUST HAVE item.
12. Various pharmaceutical items. Cortisone for Kylie’s eczema, Carmex, Blistex, Burt’s Bees, Anbesol, and Altoids.
13. Leatherman so I can easily break into people’s locked cars. (seems the only reason I’ve ever used it)
14. Secret deodorant
15. Aquaphor, again, Kylie and her skin issues.
16. A lighter that says something smartassed on it, I can’t be arsed to look.
17. My Juicy Couture glasses case.
18. Key ring with more rings than keys. It has a flashdrive, an ankh keychain, a Jack Skellington coffin keychain, a cross on a dogtag, and my two POTC themed housekeys (one with skull and torches, the other with Jack Sparrow himself), and my jeep key and keyfob.

Now, wasn’t that informative and interesting??

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Now playing: Tori Amos – Cruel
via FoxyTunes

Let’s just get that out there first of all. I am a shop-a-holic with no sense of money and saving. I am generous, I will spend my last dollar on someone else, even if it’s for something they don’t really need. With that being said. I’m scared….shitless. In a few months Amber will be here, and she will be expecting me to be ready for her arrival. The plan is for her to stay with Jess until she gets a little more financially stable, allowing me time to get my shit together and find a place to live. I’ve never lived solely on my own before. I’ve lived alone but I had financal help, and then I’ve lived with other people and had financial help. I’ve never been responsible for rent/utilities/groceries the whole kit and caboodle. I know I CAN do it, I pay my bills for the most part. I always paid my car payment on time. I just have problems with the “saving all my money to pay rent and not having money to leave the house” part. I know that when my home depends on it, when it dictates on whether my kids have a place to sleep at night, or if Amber came down here for nothing, I will be able to handle it. I’ll be able to finally grow up and be a big girl with big girl responsibilites. I know I CAN do it. I’m just scared, with something like this, there is no room for error. It is something that I want more than just about anything else I’ve wanted in my life, a place to call home. I just hope I don’t fuck it up.

you chose AY – your Enneagram type is EIGHT (aka “The Challenger”).

“I must be strong”

Asserters are direct, self-reliant, self-confident, and protective.

How to Get Along with Me

• Stand up for yourself… and me.
• Be confident, strong, and direct.
• Don’t gossip about me or betray my trust.
• Be vulnerable and share your feelings. See and acknowledge my tender, vulnerable side.
• Give me space to be alone.
• Acknowledge the contributions I make, but don’t flatter me.
• I often speak in an assertive way. Don’t automatically assume it’s a personal attack.
• When I scream, curse, and stomp around, try to remember that’s just the way I am.

What I Like About Being a EIGHT

• being independent and self-reliant
• being able to take charge and meet challenges head on
• being courageous, straightforward, and honest
• getting all the enjoyment I can out of life
• supporting, empowering, and protecting those close to me
• upholding just causes

What’s Hard About Being a EIGHT

• overwhelming people with my bluntness; scaring them away when I don’t intend to
• being restless and impatient with others’ incompetence
• sticking my neck out for people and receiving no appreciation for it
• never forgetting injuries or injustices
• putting too much pressure on myself
• getting high blood pressure when people don’t obey the rules or when things don’t go right

EIGHTs as Children Often

• are independent; have an inner strength and a fighting spirit
• are sometimes loners
• seize control so they won’t be controlled
• figure out others’ weaknesses
• attack verbally or physically when provoked
• take charge in the family because they perceive themselves as the strongest, or grow up in difficult or abusive surroundings

EIGHTs as Parents

• are often loyal, caring, involved, and devoted
• are sometimes overprotective
• can be demanding, controlling, and rigid

I loved it.

There were a few times I was tired of the endless plotlines and characters traipsing in and out, there were some cheese factors that I wish were better written (i.e. The appearance of the man himself, SK) but it could be overlooked once you take in the series in it’s entirety. The series as a whole is brilliance and made of many thought provoking, awe inspiring, and even heartbreaking moments. I recommend all to read it and take in the brilliance that is The Gunslinger’s opening line:

“The man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger followed…”

I stand by the fact that when I say i am fiercely loyal to my friends, that it’s true. Here is the catch though, I don’t make friends very easily. I can only think of 3 true friends I’ve had in my life, ones that I would stand by with everything I have, ones that I would do absolutely anything for. Everyone else was just substitutes or acquaintances.

It has come to my attention that I use people to make myself feel better. When I feel lonely or alone I attach myself to certain people long enough for them to build up my ego and make me feel better about myself, then I ditch them, without a look back. I’ve done this with countless people in my life, I can picture them all parading in front of my mind. I don’t do this consciously though, at the time I believe I really do care for these people, but when someone or something else comes along, I easily shed off old friends for newer, cooler, ones.

And it’s not just friends, I do this with men too. Men that I have no feelings for or no intention to pursue, I lead them on and let them think they have a chance and then when it comes down to the wire, I crush them, every single time. Most of these men I crush are all shameless flirting and playing suggestions, nothing ever actually comes from it. If they do try to make a move though, I pull away and leave them behind.

Then there have been a couple of unfortunate ones that I led on and then let them go further only to push them away at the last moment, the ones I use to prove to myself that I am still desirable and I am not a lost cause. Ones I have no feelings for, but play with their feelings and emotions to make myself feel whole again.I have no shame, and I have no morals, having led on and even actively pursued a few “taken” men. I have been propositioned by at least 5 different married or heavily involved men, who I would have let them have their way with me had circumstances permitted it. And although that did bother me at times, it didn’t bother me enough to put a stop to it.

I am a horrible person, and I deserve to die friendless and alone.

It sucks being in the medical field and loving medical stuff and medical shows when you are a hypochondriac though, everytime I learn about a new disease or see something that even in the most vague way reminds me of me, I automatically assume I’m dying. Not to mention that my grandmother’s illness started with a backache. She thought her arthritis was acting up and a few months later after many Dr.’s visits, she has a tumor on her spine and she was gone, just like that.

Yeah I know, I’m 24 years old and she was in her 60′s so it’s probably slightly less likely that my backache is related to hers, but that’s the way my fucked up hypochondriac mind works. I do know that I need to get out more, exercise more, it’s just so hard to get started. I’ve been a comfy couch potato for far too long now. I have lost 5 years of my life that I will never get back, doing almost absolutely nothing. If that’s not depressing than what is?

It’s not the fact that I don’t want to go out and join the human race, and it’s not that I don’t want a job, I just absolutely despise the process of getting one, I get discouraged way too easily. And I hate feeling out applications LOL.

My oldest daughter starts school in about a month, so I guess I will have to join the human race now, someone has to take her to school, pick her up, do parent/teacher crap, she also wants to play sports, soccer namely, so I will have to get involved with that as well. Maybe I’ll meet a cute single dad who thinks I’m irresistible LMFAO, that would be something to hope for I guess.

Anyway, so yeah, that’s the thought(s) for today. Or well, this morning anyway, who knows what could come to mind still today, it’s only 1:30pm.